A Different "Normal"

A picture of Brody in our bathroom.

It says "Sweet Baby - The moment we saw you, we fell in love."

I have come to the realization that life after Brody will never be the same. My joy now comes from doing things that remember Brody. Recently my mom, Jeremy, and I put together a wreath to decorate Brody's grave. Pretty much my mom did most of the work while I layed on the couch and watched because my anemia has been causing me some terrible headaches. I also hung up a wonderful frame (pictured above). I spotted that in kohl's the other day, and I instantly started crying. It just seemed so perfect. Sunday night Jeremy and I and his two boys went over to Nancy's for the Worldwide Candle Lighting Ceremony. People light a candle at 7 pm for one hour in their time zone in rememberance of a child that has passed. This creates a 24 hour window of time where candles are lit. Very cool! Later today I will go back to painting what would have been Brody's nursary. I started priming it before I pProm'd. I just hate looking at it half done- it seems like a constant reminder of the events that unraveled prior to Brody's birth. Eventually we will have a baby to fill it.

I also feel like now I know what the word desire truly means. I have a constant desire to see my son, hold him, and have him back. Its a very odd feeling to have this continuous longing for something that is completely impossible to have. I mean, I know that one day I will be with him again in heaven, but its just not the same. And if you know me at all, you know that I'm very impatient- I want him now.

Speaking of heaven, that is another thing I think about a lot. Prior to Brody's passing, I just thought of heaven as most others do, a beautiful place where everything is perfect. But now I have millions of questions about heaven, like will Brody always be a baby in heaven? Do we look like people still in heaven? What does it really look like there? Sometime soon I will get a book to read about this, but right now my mind is just not too great.

On a different note, my dad got inducted into the hall of fame at Wauseon on Saturday night! Woot woot!! I was so proud! They inducted nine men and one woman between the JV and Varsity games. Heres a little exerpt from the program: "Steve established many basketball scoring records at Wauseon. At the time of his graduation, Steve held the record for most points (41) in a game, in his junior year; most points (492) in one season, in his senior year; and most points (943) in a career. An interesting point to consider is that all of these scoring records were established prior to the creation of the three-point shot....Some of Steve's other accomplishments include most baskets (74) in one season which is still an NWOAL record. Steve averaged 23.1 points per game in his junior season and 25.9 in his senior year. He averaged 25. 8 in his NWOAL career which is still an NWOAL record." Very nice dad, very nice. ;)

Again I will close this with a poem. It just seemed so perfect:

What makes a Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes

And prayed to God today.

I asked what makes a Mother

And I know I heard him say.

A Mother has a baby

This we know is true.'

But God, can you be a Mother

When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, He replied

With confidence in His voice

I give many women babies

When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime

And others for a day.

And some I send to feel your womb

But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this, God

I want my baby here

He took a breath and cleared His throat

And then I saw a tear.I wish I could show you

What your child is doing today.

If you could see your child smile

With other children and say:

"We go to earth to learn our lessons

Of love and life and fear.

My Mommy loved me oh so much

I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom

Who had so much love for me

I learned my lesson very quickly

My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much

But I visit her each day.

When she goes to sleep

On her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek

And whisper in her ear.

"Mommy don't be sad today

I'm your baby and I'm here."

So you see my dear sweet one

Your children are ok

Your babies are here in My home

And this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me

Until your lesson is through.

And on the day that you come home

They'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother

It's the feeling in your heart.

It's the love you had so much of

Right from the very start.