Keeping it going...

Although Brody didn't make it, I am going to keep the blog going. Doing the blog is kind of like therapy for me, so expect a post at least once a week! It is nice to be able to get across my thoughts and feelings and let everyone know where I am coming from. I am so blessed that people were able to check in on Brody's progress and root for him like we were rooting for him. People were able to see that he was an actual person with a personality and all, not just a fetus to be disregarded.
I know that many people feel awkward around us not knowing what to say or how to act, so I thought I would let you know what helps me deal. Know that I LOVE to talk about Brody. I could talk about him all day. Like any mother, you want the whole world to know about your precious baby, so please- bring him up in conversation, let me talk about him and my experiences, I enjoy it. I am a mom without a baby to take care of, so talking about him is all I got. Know that I am grieving still, every minute is different. One minute I am at such peace, and the next minute I am asking "why me?" I may not always answer phone calls depending on the time, but know that the cards, calls, and facebook messages help me out so much. Thanks to all.
I am a part of an online group filled with other pPROM queens (yep-thats what we call ourselves!), some have had happy outcomes, others have lost their babies like me. One woman emailed a wonderful poem to the group, so thats how I will close this out:

My Mom is a Survivor

My Mom is a survivor,
or so I've heard it said.
But I can hear her cry at night,
When all others are in bed.

I watch her lay awake at night
and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her
to help her understand.

But like the sands on the beach
that never wash away,
I watch over my surviving mom,
who thinks of me each day.

She wears a smile for others,
a smile of disguise.
But through Heaven's door
I see tears flowing from her eyes.

My mom tries to cope with death
to keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows
it's her way to survive.

As I watch over my surviving mom
through Heaven's open door.
I try to tell her
that angels protect me forever more.

I know that doesn't help her,
or ease the burden she bears.
So if you get a chance, go visit her
and show her that you care.

For no matter what she says,
no matter what she feels,
my surviving mom has a broken heart
that time won't ever heal.

A Perfect Memorial

Thank you very much for those who made it out to Brody's memorial, it was great to have your support. For those who could not make it, it was truly perfect (I was very worried because I knew Brody deserved something great). My aunt Diane started off with an amazing prayer followed by a wonderful speech by my dear friend Nancy and in the middle our friend Amanda sang a beautiful version of "Tears in Heaven." We then headed out to the burial site where Nancy recited Psalms 23 and my uncle Larry said another wonderful prayer. It was great for me to see the lives that Brody has touched through his short life here on earth. I don't think I will ever know the vast number of people that have followed my son's journey to make it here and the number of people that he has affected. I couldn't be more proud of him. Brody had such a personality before ever even leaving the womb and I am so happy that people got to see that. I still miss him every day, I wish for him back every minute and think that this sucks and its not fair because I would have been the best mom ever to Brody. But then I think-Brody only ever knew the tremendous amount of love that Jeremy and I had (and still have) for him, and he only ever knew the fight we fought together and how truly wanted he was. My son will never see the sorrows here on Earth, he only knows the joys of heaven, and I can't wait for the day when I can see his beautiful face again.

I have also been asked about people making a donation in Brody's name. Initially I wanted to donate money to pPROM research, but it looks as though no one is really doing much to research this. This has been my frustration the past 8 weeks. So now I am working on something with the NICU at St. V's right now. That hospital did everything in their power to give my son life, and that means everything in the world to me. I will never look back and think "what if..." thanks to the wonderful people at this hospital. I hope to have more information soon.

An explanation, memorial times...

I wanted to write to everyone to let them in on what happened, and how we are doing. Sorry if everything doesn't make much sense, I am still very out of it. Wednesday everything was going along as normal when my nurse came in to check my vitals around 4:30 pm. During this time I had gotten up to go to the bathroom and lost a lot of blood. Thankfully she was in there with me to know that something wasn't right. Slowly I began cramping up until I was in the worst pain of my entire life. Jeremy came in, they did an ultrasound and realized that my placenta was tearing away from my uterus (placental abruption). This is a process that is far more painful than actual labor, you have no idea the kind of pain I was in, it was terrible. Due to the fact that this was an emergency c-section, I was not able to be awake for surgery, and Jeremy was not allowed to be in the room. At 5:54 pm our little Brody Jason was born. They fought very hard for his life, but he passed away at 7:55 pm. 2 hours and 1 minute our little boy blessed this world. His lungs just weren't developed enough. Unfortunately I was not awake for any of this, but I don't know if I would have been able to see my son go through all that anyways. Later on that night the NICU brought him down so we could spend some time with him and hold him. I will never forget the time I spent with him. He was by far the most beautiful little baby I have ever seen, and he looked so very peaceful. I will never understand why any of this happened, and I hate the phrase "everything happens for a reason" that doesn't make the pain go away. I fought so hard for Brody, and would do it all again for the moments that I got to hold him. I miss him so much. This is so very hard, and no parents should ever have to go through something like this.

We are going to have a memorial service for Brody at 11 am on Tuesday in Waterville at Peinert Funeral Home. They are located right behind the McDonalds on the Anthony Wayne Trail (St Rt 24). Here is their website if you have any questions http://www.funeralplan.com/peinertfuneralhome/waterville . The service will be from 11-12, the first half hour will be open casket for those who would like to see Brody, and the second half hour will be closed casket for those who would be too upset to see him. Directly after we will have a small service to bury Brody at the Wakeman Cemetery (right up the road). Jeremy and I will hold a small gathering afterwards at our home for food and visitors. We would love to see you there to help us through this hard time in our lives. Brody had many people thinking about him and praying for him, so it would be great to see the little guy you have been reading about and praying for.

Like I said, no parent should have to go through something like this. This is very hard for all of us, and we thank you very much for your support.

Update

This is Tami. Abby asked me to let you all know that our little Brody Jason went to heaven last night around 8 pm. She will write a post to everyone as soon as she is able. In the meantime we appreciate your prayers for her and Jeremy.
Love and thanks to all of you who have been so wonderful..................

Brody is here!! Please Pray Everyone!!

This is Tami, Abby's Mom. I got a call this afternoon from Abby. She had a good day up until 4;30 this afternoon when she lost a lot of blood and was in a lot of pain. She was taken into surgery for an emergency c-section around 5:30 this afternoon. Brody was born sometime around 6 pm tonight. Please everyone, pray from both of them. I have will try to update this as I get word. I am still in Florida with Allie and Justin.
We need your prayers......................

I'm an aunt!

Yaaaay! Yesterday Allie and Justin Riegsecker welcomed a beautiful baby boy into this world. Riley Steven Riegsecker was born at 12:41 pm central time on November 10. He weighed in at 7 lbs 8 oz and was 22 inches long (although they tell me he wasn't stretched out all the way, and they think he was a little longer).

26 weeks pregnant, 2 weeks in St. V's (contains name)

It has been a few days since I have posted, but thankfully the baby has been extra good and hasn't scared us at all. Everything has stayed very stable! Yesterday I got my IV out and I am just getting my fluids through drinking water. This is both a relief and kind of scary. I have to drink a lot now through the night so I don't get dehydrated at all, because that starts contractions. So far I have had none. Apparently though I was having them all day on Saturday and had no idea. I don't know how its possible to have contractions and not know it, but thats what my nurse told me. Maybe my pain tolerance is higher now since I am constantly being poked and prodded in here!
This morning I had another ultrasound. I talked to one of the high risk doctors about it already and he said that I do have more pockets of fluid. Unfortunately they are not able to measure these pockets because they contain the chord. This isn't a big deal, it just prevents me from telling you an exact amount. He did tell me that it looked like there was more than last time. We are showing progress, so I'm happy.
So far I have outlasted all the other girls in the "preemie" wing of labor and delivery. St. V's is a level 3 (3 is the best) high risk hospital, so they get a lot of different cases of odd pregnancies like mine. One girl was in at 28 weeks because her baby's heart rate was off the charts, another was in because she was 24 weeks and completely dialated but hadn't broken her water yet. Different girls are coming and going, but the baby and I are very competetive and enjoy outlasting everyone else.
Also, I have been asked a lot lately about what this little guy's name is. As long as he is a boy when he comes out, his name will be Brody. So from now on, I wont tell you about "the baby" I'll tell you about Brody :)
My sister is in the hospital right now, so hopefully today I will be an aunt! Check back tomorrow because I will post the details of his arrival for everyone (as long as he comes). That little stinker is a week late, but I think he is conspiring with Brody so they can get their birthdays as close together as they can.
Alright thats all for now, keep up the prayers- you guys are great!