A Different "Normal"

A picture of Brody in our bathroom.

It says "Sweet Baby - The moment we saw you, we fell in love."

I have come to the realization that life after Brody will never be the same. My joy now comes from doing things that remember Brody. Recently my mom, Jeremy, and I put together a wreath to decorate Brody's grave. Pretty much my mom did most of the work while I layed on the couch and watched because my anemia has been causing me some terrible headaches. I also hung up a wonderful frame (pictured above). I spotted that in kohl's the other day, and I instantly started crying. It just seemed so perfect. Sunday night Jeremy and I and his two boys went over to Nancy's for the Worldwide Candle Lighting Ceremony. People light a candle at 7 pm for one hour in their time zone in rememberance of a child that has passed. This creates a 24 hour window of time where candles are lit. Very cool! Later today I will go back to painting what would have been Brody's nursary. I started priming it before I pProm'd. I just hate looking at it half done- it seems like a constant reminder of the events that unraveled prior to Brody's birth. Eventually we will have a baby to fill it.

I also feel like now I know what the word desire truly means. I have a constant desire to see my son, hold him, and have him back. Its a very odd feeling to have this continuous longing for something that is completely impossible to have. I mean, I know that one day I will be with him again in heaven, but its just not the same. And if you know me at all, you know that I'm very impatient- I want him now.

Speaking of heaven, that is another thing I think about a lot. Prior to Brody's passing, I just thought of heaven as most others do, a beautiful place where everything is perfect. But now I have millions of questions about heaven, like will Brody always be a baby in heaven? Do we look like people still in heaven? What does it really look like there? Sometime soon I will get a book to read about this, but right now my mind is just not too great.

On a different note, my dad got inducted into the hall of fame at Wauseon on Saturday night! Woot woot!! I was so proud! They inducted nine men and one woman between the JV and Varsity games. Heres a little exerpt from the program: "Steve established many basketball scoring records at Wauseon. At the time of his graduation, Steve held the record for most points (41) in a game, in his junior year; most points (492) in one season, in his senior year; and most points (943) in a career. An interesting point to consider is that all of these scoring records were established prior to the creation of the three-point shot....Some of Steve's other accomplishments include most baskets (74) in one season which is still an NWOAL record. Steve averaged 23.1 points per game in his junior season and 25.9 in his senior year. He averaged 25. 8 in his NWOAL career which is still an NWOAL record." Very nice dad, very nice. ;)

Again I will close this with a poem. It just seemed so perfect:

What makes a Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes

And prayed to God today.

I asked what makes a Mother

And I know I heard him say.

A Mother has a baby

This we know is true.'

But God, can you be a Mother

When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, He replied

With confidence in His voice

I give many women babies

When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime

And others for a day.

And some I send to feel your womb

But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this, God

I want my baby here

He took a breath and cleared His throat

And then I saw a tear.I wish I could show you

What your child is doing today.

If you could see your child smile

With other children and say:

"We go to earth to learn our lessons

Of love and life and fear.

My Mommy loved me oh so much

I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom

Who had so much love for me

I learned my lesson very quickly

My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much

But I visit her each day.

When she goes to sleep

On her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek

And whisper in her ear.

"Mommy don't be sad today

I'm your baby and I'm here."

So you see my dear sweet one

Your children are ok

Your babies are here in My home

And this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me

Until your lesson is through.

And on the day that you come home

They'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother

It's the feeling in your heart.

It's the love you had so much of

Right from the very start.

Staying Busy

The NICU took this pic of Brody with his teddy bear for me. Its just so cute.

I believe one thing people go through after losing a child is the wide range of emotions. I know I have mentioned this on many different occasions, but it is a very odd feeling. Thankfully, I have Nancy who has been there before and let me know that I am not crazy.

I spent a lot of time this week feeling angry, an emotion I haven't really felt until lately. I started therapy this past week, and I was so excited to sit down and talk with someone about everything, and it wasn't at all what I had expected. So I was angry at that. I was angry that there are horrible people in this world that never have to experience this sadness that I do. I was angry at God. I think He had this wonderful opportunity to show people his ability to perform miracles, and He didn't. I just don't understand that.

I have also spent a lot of time being thankful for the things in life that Brody helped me to realize in his short life. I realize now what amazing parents I have. My mom has really done everything in her power to help get me through. There was a period of time when my mom was in Florida with my sister when I was up here in the hospital, and my dad had to be there for me. He drove to St. V's almost every day to keep me company. I feel like through all of this I really got to see who my dad is for the first time. He was really there for me when my mom wasn't able to be, and I will always remember that. I'm also thankful for Jeremy. After finding out about my pProm, Jeremy and I had to lean on eachother like never before. Brody showed us what was inportant in life, and that has done nothing but make us stronger than ever.

Another thing I have figured out (from Nancy) is that the best way to get through the day is to stay busy. I have probably mopped my floor 10 times in the last week. I do puzzles all the time. I have painted my kitchen, even spray painted my fridge! I painted a picture for my bathrrom too. I watched my friend Linday's kids one day, and I even substitute taught on Friday.

As far as physically, I am doing pretty good! My recovery from my c-section was far easier than I thought it would be. (a bikini cut by the way!) I figured my body would have a hard time recovering due to the fact that I had been on bedrest for so long, but it didn't. My scar is barely visible, and only hurts occasionaly now. From my belly-button to my incision is still numb which is so annoying. I am still anemic from the massive amount of blood I lost from the night Brody was born. Women are supposed to be either a 12-14 and after I had Brody I was at a 7.4. One week Later I was only up to an 8. They usually do blood transfusions when you go under an 8. I have to get blood drawn again today to see if I have gotten any better. I have to take iron pills now, and I try to eat more red meat because that helps as well. All-in-all I'm doing well.

Keeping it going...

Although Brody didn't make it, I am going to keep the blog going. Doing the blog is kind of like therapy for me, so expect a post at least once a week! It is nice to be able to get across my thoughts and feelings and let everyone know where I am coming from. I am so blessed that people were able to check in on Brody's progress and root for him like we were rooting for him. People were able to see that he was an actual person with a personality and all, not just a fetus to be disregarded.
I know that many people feel awkward around us not knowing what to say or how to act, so I thought I would let you know what helps me deal. Know that I LOVE to talk about Brody. I could talk about him all day. Like any mother, you want the whole world to know about your precious baby, so please- bring him up in conversation, let me talk about him and my experiences, I enjoy it. I am a mom without a baby to take care of, so talking about him is all I got. Know that I am grieving still, every minute is different. One minute I am at such peace, and the next minute I am asking "why me?" I may not always answer phone calls depending on the time, but know that the cards, calls, and facebook messages help me out so much. Thanks to all.
I am a part of an online group filled with other pPROM queens (yep-thats what we call ourselves!), some have had happy outcomes, others have lost their babies like me. One woman emailed a wonderful poem to the group, so thats how I will close this out:

My Mom is a Survivor

My Mom is a survivor,
or so I've heard it said.
But I can hear her cry at night,
When all others are in bed.

I watch her lay awake at night
and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her
to help her understand.

But like the sands on the beach
that never wash away,
I watch over my surviving mom,
who thinks of me each day.

She wears a smile for others,
a smile of disguise.
But through Heaven's door
I see tears flowing from her eyes.

My mom tries to cope with death
to keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows
it's her way to survive.

As I watch over my surviving mom
through Heaven's open door.
I try to tell her
that angels protect me forever more.

I know that doesn't help her,
or ease the burden she bears.
So if you get a chance, go visit her
and show her that you care.

For no matter what she says,
no matter what she feels,
my surviving mom has a broken heart
that time won't ever heal.

A Perfect Memorial

Thank you very much for those who made it out to Brody's memorial, it was great to have your support. For those who could not make it, it was truly perfect (I was very worried because I knew Brody deserved something great). My aunt Diane started off with an amazing prayer followed by a wonderful speech by my dear friend Nancy and in the middle our friend Amanda sang a beautiful version of "Tears in Heaven." We then headed out to the burial site where Nancy recited Psalms 23 and my uncle Larry said another wonderful prayer. It was great for me to see the lives that Brody has touched through his short life here on earth. I don't think I will ever know the vast number of people that have followed my son's journey to make it here and the number of people that he has affected. I couldn't be more proud of him. Brody had such a personality before ever even leaving the womb and I am so happy that people got to see that. I still miss him every day, I wish for him back every minute and think that this sucks and its not fair because I would have been the best mom ever to Brody. But then I think-Brody only ever knew the tremendous amount of love that Jeremy and I had (and still have) for him, and he only ever knew the fight we fought together and how truly wanted he was. My son will never see the sorrows here on Earth, he only knows the joys of heaven, and I can't wait for the day when I can see his beautiful face again.

I have also been asked about people making a donation in Brody's name. Initially I wanted to donate money to pPROM research, but it looks as though no one is really doing much to research this. This has been my frustration the past 8 weeks. So now I am working on something with the NICU at St. V's right now. That hospital did everything in their power to give my son life, and that means everything in the world to me. I will never look back and think "what if..." thanks to the wonderful people at this hospital. I hope to have more information soon.

An explanation, memorial times...

I wanted to write to everyone to let them in on what happened, and how we are doing. Sorry if everything doesn't make much sense, I am still very out of it. Wednesday everything was going along as normal when my nurse came in to check my vitals around 4:30 pm. During this time I had gotten up to go to the bathroom and lost a lot of blood. Thankfully she was in there with me to know that something wasn't right. Slowly I began cramping up until I was in the worst pain of my entire life. Jeremy came in, they did an ultrasound and realized that my placenta was tearing away from my uterus (placental abruption). This is a process that is far more painful than actual labor, you have no idea the kind of pain I was in, it was terrible. Due to the fact that this was an emergency c-section, I was not able to be awake for surgery, and Jeremy was not allowed to be in the room. At 5:54 pm our little Brody Jason was born. They fought very hard for his life, but he passed away at 7:55 pm. 2 hours and 1 minute our little boy blessed this world. His lungs just weren't developed enough. Unfortunately I was not awake for any of this, but I don't know if I would have been able to see my son go through all that anyways. Later on that night the NICU brought him down so we could spend some time with him and hold him. I will never forget the time I spent with him. He was by far the most beautiful little baby I have ever seen, and he looked so very peaceful. I will never understand why any of this happened, and I hate the phrase "everything happens for a reason" that doesn't make the pain go away. I fought so hard for Brody, and would do it all again for the moments that I got to hold him. I miss him so much. This is so very hard, and no parents should ever have to go through something like this.

We are going to have a memorial service for Brody at 11 am on Tuesday in Waterville at Peinert Funeral Home. They are located right behind the McDonalds on the Anthony Wayne Trail (St Rt 24). Here is their website if you have any questions http://www.funeralplan.com/peinertfuneralhome/waterville . The service will be from 11-12, the first half hour will be open casket for those who would like to see Brody, and the second half hour will be closed casket for those who would be too upset to see him. Directly after we will have a small service to bury Brody at the Wakeman Cemetery (right up the road). Jeremy and I will hold a small gathering afterwards at our home for food and visitors. We would love to see you there to help us through this hard time in our lives. Brody had many people thinking about him and praying for him, so it would be great to see the little guy you have been reading about and praying for.

Like I said, no parent should have to go through something like this. This is very hard for all of us, and we thank you very much for your support.

Update

This is Tami. Abby asked me to let you all know that our little Brody Jason went to heaven last night around 8 pm. She will write a post to everyone as soon as she is able. In the meantime we appreciate your prayers for her and Jeremy.
Love and thanks to all of you who have been so wonderful..................